My heart

Motherhood, marriage, and my selfish heart that needs repentance and God’s grace. I’ve been having a hard heart lately. I have realised this for a while now but reading Cakies blog really helped me to see what my heart is going through.

I tend to be calculative, likes to to manage/control the situations according to what I think would be most “worth it”/”optimum” use of everyone’s energy and time so I’ve become angry when N takes extra long time in getting home, showering, or eating dinner. I do stupid comparison games of “I’ve carried baby for so many hours” (+ the long night shift too! I don’t wake you up because I want to let you sleep well since you have work tomorrow but actually I feel xin ku too). I also feel that I’m always waiting for him and being left alone with baby (especially if I feel like I have no more strength to hold up baby or I really need to get a sip of water but am stuck with not wanting to stir baby awake in a certain position) and he’s still taking his sweet time doing something in the other room. As a result, I would sometimes feel bitter and say some not so nice things.

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, keep records of wrong, nor gets angry easily.

Lord, I need your forgiveness as well as the love to love my husband and son.

N, I love you (even though I don’t always feel this way recently) and I am sorry for all the times I’ve snapped at you. Thank you for taking care of us. Thank you for loving me. I want to learn to love you more.

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